Life is really unfair. You’ll never know when things will happen and what kind of this are those. So whatever may happen, we should be at least… being prepared for this… no matter what. After all, whatever destiny may bring us about, Life should go on.

>> POST-TRAUMA

(Sequel from the last entry)

I thought that when I reached our house, that is where my day going to be long as how I imagined it will be. I was partly wrong – and well, partly right.

When I reached Bulacan, I could feel sudden palpitations on my chest. Worst than what I’ve ever felt when I was being arrested. I knocked at our gate and no one is answering so I tried to do what they call, sariling sikap, which is in my part, very hard – I was having hard time to reach the knob behind because of my height.

So when I reached the main door, I saw mom standing behind the screen. And that is where I suddenly felt of like I want to run away. But no, if I did, then that would make all this fuss worst than anyone treated it.

My mom greeted me and even commented that I got home too early than usual. Normally, I would come home by 8 or 9:00 pm. And I just nodded and said that we were dismissed by 1:00 pm.

Mama: Di ba may practice ka pa sa cheering?
Me: Nagquit na ako dun.
Mama: Ano? Kelan pa?
Me: Kanina lang po.
Mama: Bakit? Anu nangyari?

I went inside as I partly managed to keep my tears and emotions up (for God’s sake. Oh please). And she repeated: Ano nangyari?

And there, my eyes can’t hold my tears anymore. I cried. And she just watched at me as I leaned behind our door.

Me: Naholdap po ako.
Mama: Ano?!

She panicked and I don’t what to do. And if I am going to say what happened, I don’t know where to start. And what pains me more was when she asked…

Mama: May ginawa ba sa’yo yung holdaper? Nasaktan ka ba?

And I cried again. And I told her what happened. And I kept on saying sorry. I believe that it was the most appropriate word I’ll say after what happened. Because, I just realized that I was too irresponsible. It was my fault.

It really was and there’s no other way to ignore that truth.

Then finally, she called Papa. And they talked and my mom was already crying. There was a part where she nodded and looked at me, kept on asking if there’s any injury I got from the incident.

And I was crying the whole time. I can’t stop myself. Ayoko na kasing maging pabigat kay Papa (though, I already knew not so long ago that I already have been and I just ignore that fact because of this damn pride).

And then she let me talk to Papa. His voice was calm. And I was crying. And he asked me what happened. I talked and he listened. And finally he said…

Papa: Wag ka na umiyak, wala na tayong magagawa. Papalitan ko na lang yun.

What the heck?! I didn’t tell him to do that. It made me feel guiltier rather than helpful.

Me: Eh kasi Papa, *sobs*, mahalaga kasi yun! Regalo nyu po yun!
Papa: Alam ko, pero mas maganda na yun lang yung nawala. Ang mahalaga, buhay ka.

I cried again. And I heard him sigh. And before we bade goodbye, I said: Sorry.

And my sister, Angeline shouted out from our room. And Megan came from school. She was crying too. She said that her money was snatched by her greedy classmate. And Noel appeared and said that Megan should tell him who was her classmate so he could punch him/her on his/her face. And mom told them to hush down because Angel was sleeping.

I was depressed – True. Because that phone contains all of my memories from family, studies, friends down to every single inch of my SHINee fangirling. Those stuffs were utterly irreplaceable. Their songs inspired me to work harder as a student and as a woman and… everything.

So, when I checked my offline mail account, I saw almost 50 messages from my classmates and school friends saying that they were worried. And all in all, I felt like I’ve been into a place wherein I am not going to be alone anymore. Not anymore.

So amidst of this studded tear drops which kept streaming down on my face, I want to thank all of you. All of you – thanks.

Post Note: Thanks Lorraine and Ron Dale.

Day 2 (Day after the incident)

The first thing I am looking for when I woke up was my cellphone and I realized that I lost it. And I cried again. My mom patted my back when she started to hear my sobs. I fell asleep in their room while crying. I haven’t eaten any since that incident. And last night, I also got high fever and deep migraines. Mom rushed to the nearest drugstore and bought my medicines there.

And still, I feel very down.

When I reached school, I can’t manage to smile even all of my classmates were all greeting me, good morning. I can’t find any other way to keep these feelings off the ground. It just felt like, devouring my lost soul.

I really want to die that time.

I realized that it already greatly affected me when Michael noted that I wasn’t paying attention during our Professor’s demonstration of CPR. I wasn’t really paying attention. All I did that time was to stare blackly at the wall.

And Lorraine asked how things went when I reached home. And I cried again, and told them what I should. And I couldn’t mutter anything, anymore.

My grade in CPR was low – 76. I can’t blow effectively. I had fast pace doing the CPR but it is utterly ineffective. And my C.I. asked me what happened and I am just silent.

I thought that I am already okay since Dad promised me that he’s going to buy me a new one or even an iPHONE. But I don’t like any of those – I want my thing back. Now.

And there it comes the second one for the day – Blood transfusion, that’s it. I got a good grade, 2nd to the highest. Michael was the highest and Jampoong and I were the second. It’s pretty good though. (Though I am a little bit curious why Jampoong keeps on working hard to get a higher grade than Michael, I remembered Hikaru and Kei because of that, LOOL)

After class, I went straight on a computer shop while Jampoong (Janine) and her Research team headed the library.

I checked my blog and saw that Ariane commented. I also saw Karu-chan’s comment on the cbox and I felt overwhelmed. Thanks guys.

Anyway, I am done for today and I need to sleep, still, had coughs and colds.

>> OPERATING ROOM EXPOSURE

I have to admit. I was scared to go on the O.R. because, I felt like I am not prepared yet. And I don’t want to cause harm to my patient.

But apparently, it seemed that it was okay. But I always looked out for every single inch of my moves during every operation I went into. When I was inside the Operating theatre, I felt like there’s an invincible pressure that kept me feel nervous. Very, very nervous and I can’t explain what.

Second was about being in a new group. There were new faces and none of them became my group mate before, I mean in RLE class.

But all in all, everything became okay.

During my shift, I learned a lot of things about nursing. And it was a very memorable experience.

Also, I come to know a lot of people there. There were a lot of handsome nurses there and I regret that I became so quiet that’s why, I wasn’t able to know them better. But there were these 2 oppas who helped me a lot and I looked up at them as model nurses.

There was Kuya Romeo and the other who looked like Kaname (of Chemistry) – they thought me a lot things and experiences about assisting the surgeon during an operation. I hope that we will be able to meet again, someday.

So, all in all… I think, I can manage myself to be surgeon someday. Anyway, I still stick with my decision of being a medical professional – for vanity’s safe.


>> PHILIPPINE – KOREAN FESTIVAL


I never thought that this day would finally come. And I never ever thought of thinking seeing SHINee personally.

The day came and everyone was excited. I am excited, too. Though I tend to forget to keep up with my daily beauty uhmm… beauty, something? Or whatever hell you call that.

I am that kind of person who keeps on forgetting things (names and events), who always got lost in every place I went into, who always tripped (though I hate it), and who always easily got cry.

Anyway, that morning, I was texting my co-shawols, asking them every now and then where will be our meeting place was. And only who replied (because the others were still sleeping.) was Dang. We decided to see each other at Mall of Asia.

Yeah, I know. It is definitely suicidal because, I don’t have any idea where to go… and what kind of bus or jeep I have to get into.

SHINee came in the Philippines the night before that. It was 9:00pm and during that time, I was assisting a CS case at the OR. I almost cried during suturing the last layer of the skin, continually cursing myself for not going or attending the fanmeet at NAIA 1. I really want to die. That’s why I promised to myself that no matter what happen, I am definitely going to those boys. Anyway, it was minus Taemin because he got affected with Swine Flu. Yeah, curse the virus!

So, from Katipunan, I took a ride at LRT (to Recto station then walked to Doroteo Jose) and then at jeep to Kalaw. I was almost cursing those cars and big truck for causing the traffic.

Until, I found out that the way was somewhat… unknown. I don’t know where I am. So, I decided to take a break. And realized that I was already at Roxas Boulevard (the place where the Kpop Parade will be held) particularly at Pedro Gil St.

So, on my way to the way (I was behind those big hotels and I don’t have any idea why I was able to get there) I saw 3 large buses with signs on the front mirror: Korean V.I.P. tourist.

When I saw that, I became nervous. I felt like, in one of the hotels out there, most likely, that is where SHINee staying in. I don’t know why but I felt like I want to go inside the bus but my body seemed to be moving away from it. I want to take a picture of the bus but I don’t have any camera with me so… I failed.

So (thanks to the Ale on the Manile Bay) – I found my way to MoA. And on my way there, I saw CCP. I saw a few people at the main entrance and I became excited because of that. After almost 20 minutes, Dang came at MOA.

Plan A was, going to MoA and checked out for the parade. Plan B was, going to CCP and checked out for SHINee there. And Plan C was, kidnapping all of them!

So, I contact Ate Drena and Ate Bonna, asking them if the parade is still going to happen or what. And their replies were really… really vague. So, plan A didn’t work at all.

We decided to take a taxi ride back to CCP. And I told Dang that I will not be able to attend the concert because, I still had duty on OR. But definitely, I am going to see SHINee no matter what.

As we hopped out from the taxi, a girl went in and asked me if I were Karen. And I was surprised. I know Karen (of Chatango box of SHINeePH) and she was Jonghyun’s fangirl wife there.

So, I asked her if she’s a shawol and she nodded. And we did fangirling.

Hmm… after a few minutes, Ate Bonna appeared and she gave out those SHINee goods with orders. Karen and Mika appeared and the girl (who thought I was Karen) went out with them.

We waited there for almost 2 hours and during those times, all we did was fangirling. It was fun though, meeting new people and making new friends.

And I never regret of being a fangirl of SHINee. I am so happy.

So, before 2 pm… SHINee arrives. And it was epic. We were staying at balcony, so when those people arrived, it seemed like there’s a stampede. Dang and the gang hopped from their seats and paved their way to the crowd.

And as for me, I also hopped… only that is… I tripped. Yeah, cursed my clumsiness. And Dang saw me, she hurriedly went up to me (I was still kneeling that time) and grabbed my hand and pulled me to the crowds.

The first SHINee member who got out of the bus was Jonghyun. And when I saw him, I felt like heaven, really. I was still kneeling but I could see them (because I reached almost 2nd row from the front row). The only SHINee member I really saw was Minho. I was looking up at him and he looked like a prince. He was so handsome. Shame that he didn’t saw me.

I managed to stand up and saw Onew waving his hands to us. There were a lot of fangirl who were reaching their hands to him. And this certain member was so kind that he touched one of their hands. I also reached my hand and I was able to touch his arm and palm. Oh my, that is what we call real epic.

I wasn’t able to see Key closely but one thing I’ve noticed. He hasn’t put down his hand from his hair. He was just coolly walking, other hand at the pocket and the other was on his hair. He had a new hairstyle, note you.

So after that, I bade goodbye to my new friends and went back to CGHCM hospital with a very big smile pasted on my face.



>> KOREAN CONVENTION

Korean Convention was held a week after the concert. I forgot to say that SHINee wasn’t the only one who performed last week. There was Mighty Mouth, ISWAK, and more. I hope that SHINee will come back here, next time.

So, I contacted Ate Bonna and asked her that I’ll order SHINee goodies (though I know they were expensive).

I planned to go there after duty but I failed to do so. That is because, it was traffic and I learned that the goods I am looking forward to were not still there.

Mommy Karen texted earlier that she was in Trinoma. Bea also texted me that she was also in Trinoma with her family to watch a Christmas Carol.

So, I decided to go at Trinoma too. Before that, I headed my way to Gateway. It has been ages since I went there. And I found a Japanese convenient store and bought a new lunch box and stainless chopsticks. And it was so cute! I love it!





After that, I got lost on my way to the bus station heading SM north. I really got lost. I got lost almost 10 times and I couldn’t help myself not to! I was scared and nervous that something might happen.

Good thing I found the right way back to where I should be. And when I reached Trinoma, Bea said that she might not be able to see me because of her Imba Dad. But it is okay. And as for Mommy Karen, she told me that she was a little got tired to back to Trinoma. So in the end, I was alone. But it is okay, really.

I did shopping galore and bought a lot of new things. I bought new shirts and perfumes.



So, when I felt like tired of buying new clothes, I decided to go back home. And before I left, I ate at Mcdonalds.

On my way out of the mall, I got lost, again. So as I tried to find my way out, I saw a lot of Koreans out there and it made me feel more depressed.

Actually, I am in crisis mode (termed from Bea) – I was expecting that I am completely over Jonghyun’s toxicity but eventually, I realized that I still love Haruma Miura. He’s the main reason why I love Jonghyun. I believe that these two looked a like (in some other way). And to manifest few more fangirling about it, I tried to know who among these I loved the most.

Anyway, finally, I got my way out after almost an hour of stalling all around.

>> CERTFIED SHAWOL

So, you see. I am having a new forum (see link on my sidebar) – called SHINeePH. This forum was awesome. And I really regret of not joining here before. The admins and members were all kind and matured. I mean, they all act like behave. I am half-expecting that I am going to experience the same thing happened at YNW. But of course, not.

I was welcomed and was adopted as a new daughter at Team Bling Bling. My mom was Karen and Dad was Jonghyun. It pained me to know that but I am okay. Mommy Karen was so kind and she always asked me about how my day was.

In this new family, I felt like that my sincerity to know them increased in a very fast rate I’ve never imagined.

In the past, I wanted to know a lot of people and tried to understand them but in the end, they were so selfish and acted like they didn’t care to me at all. They always reasoned out that were so busy (even though it should be, I am the one busier than they were). So, I realized that I have to move on.

If I can’t keep my friendship with them, then I’ll be the one pulling out. I am still thinking if I am going to erase and delete these people’s contacts in my life. I have to admit that they taught me a lot of things but they gave me heartaches that won’t heal anymore.

So, whatever may happen (if one of you guys read this and got the message) – I am so sorry for my selfishness. And thank you… and goodbye. Thanks for the friendship.

And to my new friends, thank you. Nice meeting all of you and I’ll see you around at the Ohno Christmas Party.

Post Note: So, here it ends my report. Thanks for reading.

Another Post Note: I hate people who don’t know how to respect other people’s way of sharing their messages on the phone. If you don’t know how to respect that and had them act the way you want them to be – good bye dear, we don’t need you. Have a very nice day.